Against my better judgement, I desperately want bleach blonde hair. My natural color is dark brown. I have thick, healthy, virgin hair. And I want to torture it beyond recognition.
Over steaming metal tins of delectable dim sum, my mom regaled my patient boyfriend with tales from my youth: "In kindergarten, Andrea came home one day crying. She said, 'Ma! Why don't have I white hair like Paige Muhlestein?' She didn't know the word blonde."
My boyfriend and mother shared a hearty laugh, then she continued with, "I told his teacher, Ms. Van--"
"Her teacher," I interrupted. If you have a Chinese parent, you get it.
"I told Ms. Van what happened and then Andrea never complained about her hair again." (Not true.)
I don't remember what Ms. Van said. It was probably something that made me feel special and unique. That feeling didn't last because I remember enviously braiding that girl's hair in third grade during Harry Potter reading time. (The Sorcerer's Stone had just come out. Does that make me old?)
This fascination with blonde hair comes and goes, but every few years I return to it.
I know it won't go with my skin tone. I know it'll be a b*tch to maintain. I even know I'll regret it. But I still want to do the damn thing and dye it.
I've done it once before and this is what happened. It turned red like it does on every Asian girl with blonde ambition. My boyfriend at the time said I looked like his 45-year-old high school teacher. Great.
Two months and many hats later, I dyed it back to dark brown. When that started to fade, I found myself in an unintentional ombre situation. That growing out phase is behind me now. The novelty of my bangs has worn off. And it's either this or a DylanLex necklace I can't afford. Hello Chase Freedom points!
What's a girl to do? Accept her lot in life as a brunette relegated to having just fun, never more fun? Or chemically torment her follicles in hopes of pulling a Soo Joo?
In the words of Selomez (a cute Twitter-friendly nickname for Selena Gomez), "The heart wants what it wants...ah awnts awnts ah awnts."